52 pickup lines that will NOT get you a date
by Twinkie
Summary: Sirius finally decides to help James get Lily by giving him 52 pick-up lines, all of which fail. Horribly. Suggestions welcome, R&R!
1. 1 through 20

Hey! Haven't written anything in, well, forever, so I decided to do a Lily/James story.: )

"101 Pickup lines that will defiantly **not **get you a date with Lily Evans"

"Oi, Prongs!" shouted sixteen year old Sirius Black to his best friend.

"What, Pads?" replied a very dejected sounding James Potter. He had just been rejected by the oh-so-lovely Miss Lily Evans. (Or as Sirius like to call her, the "she-devil-goody-goody-hoping-to-get-us-expelled-and then-take-over-the-library-to-claim-as-her-own.)

"Guess what I've decided to do for you?" Sirius sounded remarkably like an over-excited puppy if you asked James.

"What did you decide?" James asked, both interested and suspicious. After all this _was _Sirius Black, and usually anything that would make him _this _excited was not a good idea.

"I decided to actually help you with the s-dg-ghtgueattotltcaho instead of just horribly mock you. Prongsie, this is_ exactly_ what you need."

James blinked. "How did you _memorize_ that?" He asked incredibly. Then, "…How do you think you're going to help me?"

"Pick-up lines, of course!" Sirius stated as though it were obvious.

James looked spectical. "And these will work?"

"Yes. And you will use them on the s-dg-ghtgueattotltcaho, and I will help you, and then you will never speak of that demon again in my presence."

James seemed to think. "Alright Pads. I'll give 'em a shot."

.-

**Line #1**

"Hey Evans-"

"What do_ you_ want Potter?"

"Well Evans, since you asked oh so politely, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature."

"Really Potter, if you don't know, I'm sure Madame Pomfery would just _love _to explain the details of that to you." "You know, I've always learned better through _physical demonstrations_." "Why Potter, I never knew you felt that way about Madame Pomfery! I'm sure she'll be flattered." *Lily walks away, leaving a stunned James behind* _ Line #2 "Honey, if your eyes sparkled any brighter the sun would be out of a job." "Really? Dang, I was so looking forward to blasting you to the sun, after, of course, I figured out how to get your big head out of the atmosphere. But, I guess just any star will do now." Line #3 "Oi, Lils-" "Don't call me that Potter." "Are you free tonight or will it cost me?" *SMACK* "How dare you imply that I'm a prostitute!" *Lily storms off* "…Prongs! There you are! ...What's with you?" * dreamy sigh* "She touched me. Willingly. I can die a happy man." _ Line #4 "Congratulations Evans! You have just been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!" "Hmmmm…..I don't like that prize, can I return it for something better? Like, oh what's better then _that_….. Oh! I know! How about I go drown myself in the lake!" "Ouch…..you did deserve it though." "Shut up Remus." _ Line #5 "Hello lovely Lily! Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?" "Potter, you do not know how creepily stalker-ish that sounds. But then again you, in and of yourself, are completely and utterly stalker-ish. Goodnight, Potter." Line #6 "Hello my Tiger-lily! How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?" "One; I don't belong to anyone, especially not_ you_, Potter. Two; Don't call me Tiger-lily. And three; You're not wet, and neither am I, although I could solve half that problem." "Oh re-" *SPLASH*

**Line #7**

"Hey Lily-flower, I wonder what our children will look like."

"That's just plain creepy Potter."

"I bet they'll have your eyes, and my good looks; what's not to love?'

"Everything that has to do with you. Now, go away I'm trying to finish my essay."

**Line #8**

"Hello my silly Lilly-Billy. Hey, I've got a pimple on my butt, wanna see it?"

"Eew. No."

**Line #9**

"There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?"

"There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one less?"

**Line #10**

"If you were a duck and I were a deer, and we had sex, we'd make a duckdeer, and it would sound like this:"

*Strange loud quaking noise*

"'Duck dear?' Is that some sort of warning? Because you can't duck to avoid sound, though, I guess that I couldn't expect any less from _you_ Potter."

**Line #11**

"Evans! You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?"

"No, but your fan-club sure is."

**Line #12**

"Evans, go out with me. But before you accept, I think that you should know, I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?"

"Wow, allergic reactions to the word "no", I like that. It deflates your big head a little,_** and **_it makes you suffer!"

**Line #13**

"Hey Evans, save a broom, ride a quidditch player."

"I've always preferred flooing over flying."

**Line #14**

"So you think I am full of myself?"

"Potter, do the words "arrogant, bullying toerag" mean anything to you?"

"Well, would you rather be full of me instead?"

"No, but I'm sure that Peter would."

"What!"

"Woopsie, wasn't supposed to tell you that."

**Line #15**

"LILY! ARE YOU WEARING MAKEUP!"

"What's it to you if I am?"

"You shouldn't wear makeup. It's messing with perfection!" "….I'll give you points for it being neither cheesy nor sleazy." "So you'll go out with me!" "And, you lost them." _

**Line #16**

"Hey Evans!"

"_**What**_ Potter!"

"Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes."

"Heard it before."

"What! From who?"

"Sirius. He thought I was Ann Kane from Ravenclaw. I have to admit, it was quite a shock to have some boy wrap his arms around me from behind. It amazingly sounded a lot less cheesy coming from him though."

**Line #17**

"You know Evans, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

"Heard it."

"From who! Sirius again!"

"No. Glidderoy Lockhart from Hufflepuff."

"Why that little-"

*James storms off*

"Lily, that was evil. I always knew there was a reason I liked you."

"I know, Alice my friend, I know. We're sinister."

**Line #18**

"Hey Evans! Wanna sit down!"

"No, why would I?"

"Well, your legs must be pretty tired."

" Now tell me just _why_ would my legs be tired?"

"Well, because you've been running through my mind all night."

"Yes, I have. Trying to get away from you."

**Line #19**

"Can I have directions?"

"Potter, you know this school better then you're probably allowed to. Why would you, of all people need directions?"

"Because I just can't seem to find the way to your heart."

"You'll manage just fine without."

**Line #20**

"Your daddy must play the trumpet, because he sure made me horny!"

*blinks*"You're attracted to my _dad_? Sorry Potter, but he and my mom are still happily married. Maybe I can set you up with my sister's boyfriend. But his a little on the chubby side, and if you like chubby boys, I'm sure Peter would be more then willing."

"Wha-No! Evans that's not what I meant!"

**A/N: **Wells, there are the first twenty.I would like at least five reviews before I update. ;) And if you spot any grammar/spelling problems, I apologize.


	2. 21 through 30

Hello! Thanks so much for the reviews! Sorry I didn't update sooner, I had to go out of town for a few days and I don't have a laptop.

I forgot to put this in the first chapter, so, here it is!

Disclaimer: In a world where I own Harry Potter, it's a crazy story that probably no sense whatsoever. Thankfully, (For some) this is not such world and I do not own this, but one Miss Joanne K. Rowling owns this magically place of wondrous, um, magic.

That pretty much means I don't own it.

ON WITH THE SHOW (Story. Whatever)!

"101 Pickup lines that can NOT get you a date with Lily Evans"

**Line #21 **

"Baby, you're so sweet, you put Honeyduke's outta business."

"What? That sucks, I love Honeydukes. Oh, and Potter?"

"Yeah?" *Grins*

"**_cresco caput_****!(1) That's for calling me "Baby"."**

**"Evans!"**

**Line #22**

"Hey Evans! I have a question!"

"No."

"Wha-Oh! Not that question, but if you change your mind I'm always willing!"

"Just ask your question Potter."

"What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?"

"We're outside."

"So? How does it feel?"

"Very annoying. Random boys keep on coming up to me to ask stupid questions."

"Oh really? Who?"

"… I'm not going to dignify that with an answer."

**Line #23**

"If I had a lily for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever."

"Potter, to be quite frank, plants hate you. I know. You destroyed Greenhouse 5 trying to trim an**Abyssinian Shrivelfig, which is second year stuff. Plus, the lilies are so unoriginal."**

**Line #24**

"Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin."

"Potter, how do you know what karate is? It's a_ muggle_ martial art."

"I watch muggle mooovies over the summer with Sirius."

"That's kind of sad."

"Pathetic enough for you to go on a pity date with me?"

"Not even close. And to answer your question, yes, I do know karate. My dad had me start lessons after a certain _someone _sent me letters _every day_ at twelve p.m. and six p.m. asking me what I was wearing and if he could have me old shoes. Daddy wanted me to be able to protect myself from stalkers."

"That was Sirius. He likes shoes."

**Line #25**

"Hey Evans!"

"What?"

"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

"_What!_"

"Hey Evans? What's chloroform?"

"Potter, where do you get these lines from!"

"Sirius. He says it always works with the muggle girls near my house."

"It's not the lines they care about, they only like him 'cause he's hot. Trust me, if he was only kinda cute then they'd probably laugh at him."

"…You think Sirius is hot? I'll kill him!"

*Runs off, presumably to kill Sirius*

"Lily, I have a feeling that everything you said except for "he's hot" went straight through one ear and out the other."

"Really? Good, that means I'm not the only one getting that vibe here."

**Line #26**

"Hey Evans! Do you have any raisins?"

"Wha- No Potter. I do not have any raisins. Now go away."

"No raisins? Well, how about a date?"

"Okay. July thirty-first, seventeen seventy two.(2)"

**Line #27**

"POOF!"

"What do _you_ want Potter?"

"I'm here, where are your other two wishes?"

"Gee, I don't know. The blood-thirsty lion and the cage to lock you and the lion in aren't here."

**Line #28**

"You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but Evans, the best way to fall is in love with me."

"I'd rather do the first two."

**Line #29**

"You look like my first wife!"

"I'm sure she wouldn't want you hitting on me then."

"Wha- No, Evans, you were supposed to say "How many wives have you had?" to which I'm supposed to answer "none.", and then you're supposed to go out with me, then we'll get married and have little messy-haired green-eyed babies."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"Potter, so sorry to disappoint you, but, the only place anything similar to that is going to happen is in your dreams."

**Line # 30**

"This is a test of the emergency pickup line service. Beeeeeeeeeep. If you had been any less beautiful, you would have just heard a bad pickup line."

"Well, you've got one thing right. That was a_ very_ bad pickup line."

A/N: (1) _cresc _ means grow in latin, and **_caput _****means head. If that's wrong, I'm sorry, I'm not fluent in Latin, and I just got that off an online translator.**

**(2) July 31 1+7+70+2 = July 31 '80. I just couldn't resist.**

**Now you must give me ten more reviews before I update! (Sensing a pattern here?)**


	3. 31 through 40

Hey! Here's 31-40! XD

Disclaimer: Twinkie no owny. For cereal.

"52 Pickup lines that will _not_ get you a date with Lily Evans"

**Line #31:**

"LILLERS! How a choo? Hee hee, I'm gooooooo'. I wa ou ' away las' nigh'. Howz aboutz yooouss? Wha-wha were youzz doings las' nighsh?"

"Potter, are you _drunk_!"

"I'm not-I'm not _drunk_, I'm just int-into-introxicatsioneded by you."

"James! There you are! Oh Lily, of coarse, I'm sorry if James is bothering you we were just celebrating when James got lost."

"Really Remus, you're a prefect! You can't just let them get _drunk _whenever they want! What are you celebrating anyway?"

"Marauder secret."

"It's a furry little prob'em no more! No more no more for never more!"

"Shut up James."

"Why are you celebrating getting rid of your rabbit? He can't have been that much of a problem!"

**Line #32**

"Hey Evans! You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line."

"Sober now I see. And Potter, that _was_ a bad pickup line."

"Hey! I'll have you know that none of my pickup lines are bad!"

"Potter, the first step to recover is admitting that you have a problem. Maybe you should start a stalkers anonymous."

**Line #33**

"I bet you 20 galleons you're gonna turn me down."

"I don't gamble, but if I did, I wouldn't take bets that I know I'll lose."

**Line #34**

"I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?"

"…"

"Evans? Are you alright?"

"One second Potter. Let me get over the shock that you know what a library is."

**Line #35**

"There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you."

"You should clean your glasses then. Or go to your optometrist."

**Line #36**

"Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?"

"You don't keep a diary Potter."

"How would you know?"

"So you_ do_ keep a diary?"

"…No."

**Line #37**

*hold out hand* "Would you hold this for me while I go for a walk?"

"Do you want me to cut it off first?" *Waves wand dangerously*

"Erm… You know I think I'll go flying instead." *eyes wand nervously*

**Line #38**

"What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper!" *Kick* "Oof!" "Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Nice Evans." "Pretty weak for the "incredible hulk". And shut up Black." Line # 39 "I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated." "It is. I wouldn't want to scare the first years with images of me violently murdering you."

**Line #40**

"What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?"

"That's simple Potter. I'm trying to get out without going crazy."

A/N Hey! You gave me Ten More! Yay! Next it's the last twelve, but if you give me lots of reviews, maybe I'll give you a nice surprise.


	4. 41 through 52

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, the last two books would have gone _a lot_ differently.

Last Twelve!

"52 Pickup lines that will NOT get you a date with Lily Evans"

**Line #41**

"My darling Lily! I must be dead, since I'm seeing an angel!"

"Potter, you are, sadly, not dead."

"How do you know, my sweetest flower?"

"Because you're breathing, but I can, and will, fix that if you don't remove yourself from my sight in the next 30 seconds."

"Evans, you and I both know that you don't mean that! So how about you do us both a favor and go out with me?"

"20, 19, 18…"

"I'm gone!"

**Line #42**

"Hi Evans! Come here often?"

"You tell me, you are after all both my housemate and my stalker, so do _tell_, do I come to the _Gryffindor _common room often?"

"…Maybe."

*Lily rolls her eyes and walks away*

**Line #43**

"Hey Evans, you and me, tonight at 12:00, my dorm."

"Hey Potter, you and Black, tonight at 9:00, in detention."

"For what!"

"For being a prick. As for Black, he proposed to Professor McGonagall. Again."

**Line #44**

"Hey honey, what's your sign?"

"'Warning: Prone to hex annoying gits.'"

**Line #45**

"Hi Tiger-Lily! Di- wait, where are you going?"

"My dorm. To study. It suddenly get annoyingly loud in here."

"I think you forgot something."

"What?"

"Me!"

"Oh, right!"

"Hu- hey!"

*James is thrust into the air by his ankles*

**Line #46**

"Hello my lovely Lily-flower, how are you today?"

"I_ was_ having a nice day. Then you showed up."

"You know I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Shoot what?"

"What's your question?"

"Oh. If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"Only to feed you to my sister's dog."

**Line #47**

"You are the sweetest thing since chocolate."

"You are the most annoying thing since mosquitoes."

**Line #48**

"This could all be yours for one low low price!"

"Sorry, I have _much_ better taste then that."

**Line #49**

"Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?"

"Trust me, it's just you."

**Line #50**

"Your lips look so lonely... Would they like to meet mine?"

"Your face looks so lonely…would it like to meet my fist?"

**Line #51**

"Hey gorgeous, does beauty and smarts run in the family?"

"It obviously doesn't run in yours."

"…does it run in yours?

"If you've ever seen my sister, you'd know the answer."

**Line #52**

"Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? Some little kid with wings shot me."

"Oh him? That was Peeves. It's apparently his way of celebrating Valentine's day."

"But it's November."

"Try telling him that."

**A/N **Hey! If I can get 15 more reviews, then I'll throw in a bonus chapter! If I get more then 15, I'll be very happy! C** :**


End file.
